Horrible Histories

So, I bumped into an ex at the weekend. Thankfully it's not like I've got hundreds of them, and certainly not many still in the same area, but meeting this person again kinda threw me. We were only together for one summer a few years ago, but if you'd asked me at the time, I might well have said it was for keeps. Such deep feelings don't go away easily, and I realise now that those feelings are sealed in a very deep and possibly permanent way by sexual intimacy.

Having a history... complicates things. I mean there was the awkward moment when I realised my mother-in-law had assumed I was a virgin, but really that's the least of them. Um, well, I think she got over that...

For me, the worst thing about having a history is this: I think about it.

I don't mean in the sense of comparing Animal to any of my previous lovers; it's a matter of blogosphere record that Animal is the best sex I've ever had, and I stand by that assessment absolutely. But still, the fact is that I have a sexual past, and there are things in that past that I enjoyed, but which I have to leave in the past. And that's hard. Thoughts about someone I cared about hugely and had great sex with, but who is not my husband, are awkward for me. They are hard to dismiss, because they are good thoughts, but to dwell on them would be to fantasise about someone else, and that would be wrong.

So what am I to do with these feelings? Well ultimately, I think, nothing. It's just a temptation, and there is nothing wrong with being tempted. I think rambling about it here is my way of getting it all out, so I can let those temptations go and move on from them.

But at the same time, all experience has a lesson to teach us; and this has been a very real reminder to me that what I've heard so much since moving in Christian circles - that sex brings with it an emotional bond that goes far deeper than the physical act itself - is true. If I search my feelings, I know this to be true; I have given pieces of myself to several people before I met Animal - the ex I met the other day was a recent and local one, which made the whole thing so hard, but it could have been one of a number of people. Which complicates things, but it also saddens me, because I got all of Animal, and will never be able to give him those bits of me that I gave away earlier.

That's one of the reasons I now believe that sex is intended to be shared with one person, for life. Unfortunately I figured that out several people too late, but maybe, just maybe, I'll get the chance to pass that figuring on to someone else before it's too late for them :)

This is not a sex blog, but...

...I do like to throw the subject in now and then, for the ratings, you know.

Plus, of course, it would be terribly remiss of me not to extol the virtues of marital sex at this point.

Married sex is AWESOME!!!!!

Ok, I guess we can move on now... What? No? You want more? You want details? Tough :p

Well, as it happens, I sort of wanted to write something about it, because that first time - the wedding night sex - was quite possibly the best sex I've ever had. No kidding. I mean, technically speaking, it was terrible. Possibly the most clumsy and awkward sex I've had in... well, possibly ever. But it totally blew my mind.

Obviously there was the anticipation; I'd been waiting to get naked with Animal for almost 18 months, so finally being able to was a great release, apart from anything else. On the other hand, the anticipation, the sense of expectation of this great life-changing moment, probably made Animal rather more nervous than was strictly necessary, adding to the clumsy awkwardness...


Moreover, there was the raw emotion of the thing. I don't think I've ever been as emotionally connected with a person before without having a similar physical intimacy. In fact, I think the lack of physical intimacy allowed us to concentrate on the emotional and spiritual sides of our relationship... I expect that's why God would have us do it that way round.

Clumsy sex aside, it was a hugely emotional experience - more so for Animal, who (don't tell anyone this) cried after giving up his virginity. For that moment alone, the sharing of a literally once in a lifetime event with the person I love most in the world, I'm glad we waited. It would have taken something special from the day if we hadn't.

On sex and celibacy

Time, I think, for a somewhat personal reflection. There were always going to be these, and that's why I've retained a degree of anonymity here (so don't expect to see wedding photos, sorry!).

Let's not make any secret about this, I am looking forward to the wedding night. I've pulled out all the stops to make sure Animal has a memorable experience too, but.... I don't have any real expectations. Whatever happens on Saturday night, happens. If it doesn't, well so what. There's always Sunday. Why put extra pressure on yourselves? Ok, maybe the pressure would be on Animal more than me, but that's still not what I want. I love sex, and I'm looking forward to having sex with Animal like you wouldn't believe, but if at the end of it all, we just end up crawling into bed and actually sleeping together, well that's ok. Frankly it will be a relief not to have to worry about overstepping the boundaries we made for ourselves. And it will be so good to finally be naked in his arms....

Ahem, anyway.

You know, I am actually going to miss some things about the whole celibate period of my life. It's a fact on internet life that if you chat on line there's always going to be a percentage of guys - and some girls (although more guys pretending to be girls, but that's another blog post) - who just want to know how good he is in bed. Presumably because they are better endowed, or more talented, than he is, but whatever. And in a weird way, even though most of those guys usually end up getting ignored, I'm gonna kind of miss those conversations.

I'm not sure what response people expect to get to the question 'What's he like in bed?', but I can pretty much guarantee 'I have absolutely no idea' is a long way down the list. But - as of today - that is the answer, and on occasions, when the enquiring party has not just wandered off to find someone of looser morals to quiz, some good conversations are to be had. Celibacy is not the only thing that defines my faith - far from it - but in the internet chatting world, it's a place from which to start discussing it. Not only that, but sexuality on the internet is a thing that I believe needs to be discussed (this is sounding like a Filth on Friday post now!) and so it will be a bit of a shame to be losing that unique selling point.

In the meantime, I'll have to find out the answer to the new question: 'What's your husband like in bed?'

Sex, marriage, purity and being a BarlowGirl

This is a question I ask myself more than other people ask me: why would a reasonably attractive, healthy woman in her 20s suddenly give up sex? It certainly wasn't because I didn't like it!

Neither is it because I believe sex is in some way evil, or sinful in itself. On the contrary, I believe God made sex to be fun, something for us to enjoy.

So, I ask myself, why not enjoy it? Why torture yourself with this born-again virgin stuff?

For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. (Gen 2:24)

'One flesh' is a symbol of the inseparable union God intended for husband and wife, and in the act of sex, it finds its physical expression. I believe God intended sex to be fun for one man, and one woman, within the confines of an inseparable union - marriage.

The same is clearly reiterated throughout the New Testament:

But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. (1Cor 7:2)

Precisely because sex is so much fun, us weak humans are often tempted to abuse it. Marriage is held repeatedly to God's ideal for sex, and the way to avoid that temptation.

But why marriage? You're as committed to Animal now as you will be in 66 days time, why wait for a bit of paper?

Well yes, I am as committed to him now as I ever will be, but I am not his wife. For us, marriage isn't about a bit of paper and a ring, it's about having a big party committing our relationship to God, and receiving his blessing. It's God that will seal the marriage, not a registrar.

But let's not forget that although sex is fun, it makes babies. It seems obvious to me that well-balanced children need the influence of a mother and a father. (I'm not judging single parents here; they're doing a tough job under imperfect circumstances, and the ones I know deserve nothing but respect for how well they do so.) God intended from the outset for us to go forth and multiply, and for children to be brought up within that family setting.

And let's not forget the other potential side-effects of extra-marital sex - after all, a baby is the nicest thing you can catch from having sex.

But what if he's rubbish at it? I'm trusting that we'll be compatible. He's my soulmate, a gift from God in every other way, so why would a loving God (who invented sex to be fun, remember!) leave me wanting in the bedroom? What I am certainly not going to do is take a test drive. We'll learn as we go along.

And what of purity? This may seem weird, but Animal's virginity means a whole lot to me - I wish I had treated my own with as much respect. I think this celibacy thing would be a whole lot harder if we both knew what we were missing, but more importantly, he's willing to share with me something he's never shared with anyone else. How can that not be special?

Final thoughts:

• It breaks my heart that the one thing I treasure most in my fiancé is the one thing I can never give him back.
• Although being a born-again virgin is not easy, it is possible with God's strength. And I have no doubt that it well be worth it in the end.

Musical Monday: Barlow Girls

OK, so BarlowGirl is a Christian pop-rock girl band, best known (by me, but I'm almost totally ignorant on such matters) for my favourite version of O Holy Night.

But it seems that before they were famous, another Christian pop-rock girl band met these sisters - Barlow's their last name, ordinary girls they don't live in the fast lane, they don't rate with the guys that score 'cause they don't flaunt what the boys want more - and wrote a song in tribute to them and their stand on purity (that 'God has one perfect man already chosen for us; therefore we have no need to worry ourselves in searching for him. When the time is right, we know God will bring us together').

You may want to ignore the slightly icky and ill-advised line about their Moms, but I gotta say I love the sentiment of this song:

No girl should feel she has to trade
Her body for love or be an old maid

And yes, there are guys who are willing to wait - just ask this BarlowGirl on her wedding day ;)

My only question to the world is this:
Why the hell did nobody play me this song in 2001?

Confession time

Sometimes this celibacy gig really, really sucks. Something tells me this could be the longest 73 days of my life.