Masturbation and Sin

I started putting this together while Animal was driving us back from our holiday last week and I got into another twitter debate, this time over whether masturbation is sinful.

First, some background: when God picked me out of the crowd and asked me to follow Him 3 years ago, he challenged me very specifically on my attitudes towards sex and sexuality, and they have been evolving since then as I have prayed, studied and thought about various apsects of the subject. I don't claim to be an expert; just someone who has given a lot of thought to subjects like this and done her best to apply God's will in her life.

Before we begin, I am not writing an apologetic for masturbation; I don't seek to justify it or prove that it is OK. Please don't use my words to justify something to yourself if you think believe it is wrong. I believe sex and sexuality to be deeply personal matters - matters best kept between you, the person you choose to share them with, and God.

When masturbation is wrong

There are certainly circumstances in which masturbation is wrong:

• If you believe masturbation to be sinful, then it probably is - for you.
• If you are likely to be led into lustful thoughts by it, you should try to avoid it - lust is a sin.
• If it becomes a compulsive or addictive behaviour pattern, this is unhealthy whether or not you consider it a sin; it is also more likely to lead you into lust or get in the way of your relationship with God.

If any of those apply to you, I urge you to try (or continue) to resist masturbation. The rest of this piece is not really for you.

You (girls especially) might like this article by Heather Lindsey which explains why she believes masturbation to be sinful, and gives some good advice on avoiding it.

However, if you are a Christian and do not fit into the categories above, or are undecided whether masturbation is right or not, I would like to offer you my perspective; a counter argument to 'masturbation is always sin', which I believe to be unBiblical and unhelpful.

Why do we do it?

OK, let's get right down to it. Sex is fun - God made it that way. Orgasms feel good - God made it that way. God made sex to be enjoyed, not just as a tool for procreation. God made me a sexual being - He made most of us that way, to varying degrees. And the vast majority of us begin to explore that as teenagers, through masturbation. It's a natural process of discovering what we like so that when the time comes to share our bodies with a partner, we can make the most of it.

Enjoying the gift of sex that God gave us - enjoying it fully with the person God has picked for us to spend our lives with - gives more glory to God. Nothing brings two people closer than the act of sex. Nothing. So why not enjoy it as much as possible? And how are we to do that if we don't know what we like?

Yes, ok, masturbation serves no useful purpose other than to make us feel good for a few minutes. Well so what? Neither does Red Dwarf or 'Walking on Sunshine' by Katrina and the Waves. That doesn't make it inherently wrong. For the Christian, I believe all things need a little thought and prayer, and to be done in a sensible, harmless way.

So that's what I think. What does God have to say on the matter?

What the Bible says

The Bible is quite clear that 'sexual immorality' is wrong; however it is far from clear exactly what consitutes sexual immorality. Pre-marital sex is almost universally accepted among Christians as being against God's wishes. A man sleeping with his stepmother is mentioned as a specific example of immorality. Adultery and looking at another with lust were said by Jesus to be equally sinful. There is no more specific advice on masturbation than that*.

Yes, our bodies are a temple, yes, we are called to self-control; as I have already said, if those things make you think you shouldn't be masturbating, then maybe God is calling you not to - perhaps he knows it will lead to an addictive behaviour or lustful thoughts. Listen to these thoughts.

Self-control

But self-control does not necessarily mean never letting yourself do a thing. The Message puts it as being 'able to marshal our thoughts and energies wisely'. There is no prohibition on moderation.

Take alcohol. Jesus not only drank wine, he bottled his own. Yet drunkenness is right up there next to sexual immorality.

Wine, like masturbation, serves no useful purpose beyond its own enjoyment. Both can lead to sinful behaviour if over-indulged, but with self-control - knowing your limits and sticking to them - I see no Biblical prohibition.

Galatians includes self-control in the fruit of the Spirit; something which will grow out of our relationship with God, not something on which that relationship depends. Allow God to guide you, to give you self-control when needed and keep you from over-indulging.

A warning though: as both wine and masturbation are pleasurable, both can be addictive. Addictive behaviours can become idols in our lives, taking more importance than time with God; put your 'God-time' ahead of your 'me-time'.

Lust

The key, I believe, is lust. Now, I know men and women are wired differently this way, but speaking personally, I can masturbate just for it's own sake, without lustful thoughts bothering me. Men generally find this harder, and with the abundance of porn and increasingly sexy videos on MTV, it's all too easy to find some visual aid to speed the process along.

Don't. This is clearly lust, and clearly a sin.

(Pornography is a bigger issue, and one which I have blogged about plenty already. My defence of masturbation is based on not using porn in the process.) 

Lust for your partner

Thinking about your partner can complicate things. If you're married, fantasising about your spouse while you pleasure yourself is fine. Animal does this, and I'm fine with that. You can't lust after what is already yours.

If you're not married though, it's less simple. First, as the person is not 'yours' as your spouse is, by strict interpretation this is lust. Second, from a personal perspective, I had to cut back on masturbation when we were engaged, because it made me want sex with my husband-to-be all the more. (I was not a virgin, I knew what I was missing; this may well not happen to virgins. No promises though, just my experience to share.)

And yes, I did say back there that my husband still masturbates. This is not because I don't fulfill his desires! Girls, you know there are going to be a few days each month when you just don't want him touching you. Not that that has to be the only place for it in the marriage bed; masturbation can be part of fun, healthy sex between a married couple - the kind of sex that unites man and wife to the glory of God.

I certainly don't believe that sex is intended only for having babies; nor do I believe that the Bible sets out rules for what constitutes 'immoral' practices between man and wife. The only restrictions that exist between Animal and I are those that we have imposed on ourselves.

In conclusion...

Your sexual activities are your business - between you, your partner, and God. Nobody else has any place dictating to you what is right or wrong between two consenting adults.

As always, the comments are open for discussion. Keep it clean though, eh?


*Some may point to Onan, who was punished for 'spilling his semen on the ground'; in context, the punishment was for deliberately refusing to fulfil his cultural duty to continue his brother's line. Basically, he wasn't masturbating, he just pulled out early.

The Name of God

I've been trying to get this post finished for weeks, and I guess it's finally here, finished or otherwise.

It came from a conversation I had with someone whose basic problem with religion was along the lines that if there is a God, he must be so far beyond our understanding that giving him a name (or a gender for that matter) is somehow constraining God.

My issue with that point of view is that, basically, it's true. I have met religious people who believe it's their purpose to understand God (that's for another post), but I'm not sure I'd want to worship any deity that could be fully understood by some chick with a couple of mediocre A-levels, none of which are in theology.

Yes, God is outside our understanding. Of course he is, he's God. But just because he doesn't fit into our human ideas of gender or indeed anything else we may try to use to describe him, does that mean we stop referring to him? That doesn't seem to make any sense. Any conversation about - or with - God, by definition needs a term for God. We need a name for Him, it's as simple as that.

Aside from the practical issues, God wants us to speak to him. I don't know how many times in the Bible he urges people to 'call on my name', but I bet it's a lot. And he gives us plenty of names to use - but that, too, is for another post. I suppose it's something of a quandary: God knows we cannot fully understand Him, but neither does He want us to constrain Him in any way. He doesn't expect us to understand Him (except in as much as He reveals of Himself in the Bible or personal experiences) but He longs for us to know him.

And I think that's what I came away from that conversation with. Maybe there is no name that can really encompass who or what God really is, but there is a name that he invited me to call him, a name that he loves to hear from anyone who will use it.

God just loves it when I call him Daddy.

Misplaced Worship

At the risk of being controversial, I saw this, and thought of some of my Muslim friends, whose beliefs I totally respect, but who sometimes seem to have a slightly skewed view of how important the book is, compared to God. I have tremendous difficulty debating faith and religion with such people because to them the book is everything, and because my personal experience of God cannot be demonstrably more than a dream the book always wins.

Obviously this is not just a Muslim attitude; I guess I'm lucky in that the Christians I spend most time with and am learning most from are not that way inclined, and like me see that the Bible is only part of the story.

I think this just nicely illustrates my view of Bible worship as opposed to God worship.

Illustration from http://asbojesus.wordpress.com/

Being a submissive wife

Of course I didn't phrase that title for google's benefit! Although if you did just surf on in having googled the confessions of a submissive wife, feel free to stay a while. Sir. ;)

Seriously though, I wanted to add some clarification to last week's post.

Being submissive in marriage is not about blindly obeying what your husband wants or asks of you. It is about putting his needs before your own - basically, being selfless out of love.

For instance, if Animal got a high-flying job in London Village, or felt called to be a missionary to Peru, I would listen to his case and give the idea some careful consideration. And the chances are I would go; not blindly out of mindless obedience, but out of love and respect for his needs or his calling. And because I know that he has promised to love me selflessly, I know that he wouldn't force the issue; he wouldn't even ask if he thought it would actually harm our marriage.

Or (for those of you googling kinky submissive wives) if Animal should want to try some sex act that I'm not comfortable with, I certainly wouldn't let him have his way just because the Bible says I should submit to him. As with moving to Peru, I might well think about it, but at the end of the day there are some things that I'm just not going to do. And he will accept that - which, frankly, I would expect just out of simple respect anyway, but the point is that the husband's role of sacrificially loving his wife means that he will not make unreasonable demands and expect her to simply agree out of Biblical submissiveness.

And as a final note, a reminder that the submitting goes all ways. We are all, as Christians, called to

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. (Ephesians 5:21)

And that doesn't mean we're all walking round being doormats, doing exactly as we're told by other 'well-meaning' 'Christians'; it just means we're not selfish, we treat each other with respect, and try to consider the needs of others before our own.

To love, honour and obey?

It seems to be the question on everybody’s lips: will you promise to obey Animal?

Well we haven’t finally agreed on the vows, but they’re going to be pretty traditional. And whether or not the word ‘obey’ is used, the gist of it will be….

Yes.

Wait, what? I hear you say. That’s right girlfriends, I’m gonna submit to my man. And I’m gonna stand up in front of these here witnesses (and God) and jolly well promise to do it too!

Have you lost your mind? I hear you say. They took the obey bit out in the 50s didn’t they? In the Episcopal Church it was 1922, according to Professor Wikipedia, but what the heck. They didn’t take it out of the Bible, and that’s what I’m basing my marriage on.

Actually, that’s not quite true. What the Bible says is:

Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. (Ephesians 5:22)

It doesn’t actually say wives should obey their husbands anywhere in the Bible. So I guess the technical answer to the question at the top of the page is ‘no’, but that wouldn’t have been controversial enough to get you this far down.

So yes, I will be submitting to my husband. I believe this is the attitude God wants me to have towards my husband and our marriage; I also believe it is part of the way men in general are made, they need to be in a position of authority and honoured by others.

That does not mean, however, that it is a one-way street. I am not promising to be a doormat. Animal will be promising to love and cherish me – the Bible goes on to say:

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. (Ephesians 5:25)

Sure, I hope it won’t come to that, but I think giving your life up for someone is a little more extreme than letting them have their own way now and then.

Similarly though, this is what women want (are you paying attention boys?): we want to be loved with literally everything our man has to offer, right down to his life. We don’t want our man to die, obviously (PMT notwithstanding), but something in the heart of a woman wants to know her man is willing to, if called upon.

All of this, the submitting and the loving, it is one partner doing something difficult, to give the other what they need, deep down. And, of course, it goes both ways: I will (and do) love and cherish Animal, and he will also submit to me, because that's Biblical (Ephesians 5:21).

Maybe next week I'll think about how that will work practically for our marriage... or maybe I'll wait until we're married and get a more realistic view!

Bible Musings: Creation

Yes, I'm going for the big subjects again, but I’m going to make my position on this clear at the outset: I don’t give a fetid dingo’s kidney how or when the world was created.

However, I have on numerous occasions since meeting Jesus, been taken to task over the apparent conflict between Genesis 1 and what we now understand of geology, evolution, astrophysics and whatnot. Like being a Christian is somehow the same as having been there. Well, I’m not a theologian or an astrophysicist, so don’t put too much trust in my beliefs and opinions on the matter, but here they are for what they’re worth.

1. The Bible is true.
This is fundamental, it has to be. This is not, however, the same as saying it is literally true from start to finish. This is most true of Genesis 1, which I believe does tell the essential truth about the formation of the Earth, and God’s and man’s respective places within that, but not necessarily the literal truth about it.
It is also not the same as saying that science is untrue; it could be that God just planted all the fossils underground to trick us, but that would be a bit silly.

2. What science says.
As I understand it, the scientific order of events in the creation of the Earth goes something like this:

1. The earth was formed out of the accretion matter from the solar nebular.
2. Water was brought to the proto-planet by comets and asteroids, eventually forming clouds and oceans.
3. Early life forms appear: microbes, algae, and plant-like creatures like sponges and coral. 
4. More complex life forms evolve – starting with trilobites and other marine animals, and then the evolution of fish into amphibians and land dwelling animals. 
5. Evolution of animal life culminating (arguably) in mankind.

Genesis would have it that the sun, moon and stars were created after the earth was sufficiently formed to support plant life, and indeed, after the creation of light itself; however it could be argued that the solar system was still chaotic, that volcanic activity and continuing meteorite impacts may have obscured the sky for some time whilst allowing sufficient daylight for life to begin.

3. What the Bible says. 
The Genesis account of creation breaks down like this:

1. A formless, empty earth; day and night. 
2. Water – the seas, and clouds. 
3. Plant life. 
4. The sun, moon and stars. 
5. Aquatic life and winged creatures. 
6. Animals, culminating with man.

Before Moses put pen to papyrus, it is likely that the Genesis accounts were carried orally from generation to generation. That may account for some of what we may now call poetic licence, to allow the ‘big picture’ to be remembered and retold easily. When written down, this still works as a literary device, with three days of forming followed by three parallel days of filling.
But that aside, I think Genesis 1 follows, in a much simplified way, what modern science now tells us about how the earth developed. Not bad, given that it was probably first written down in the 15th century BC.

4. What the Bible doesn’t say. 
The Bible does not say the world was created in less than a week.
The word ‘day’ as used in Genesis 1 may mean simply ‘a period of time’, and as the Bible tells us: ‘With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day’. These events could easily have taken 6,000 years, or 6 billion if you prefer.
I think the context makes it clear that rather than being literal, this is God using a creation account to encourage his people to take a day for rest and worship after six days labour.
Certainly, there is no logic for it meaning six 24-hour days, if there was no sun by which to measure the first three days. (Literalism can be its own worst enemy sometimes!)
It also doesn’t say that this happened, or finished happening, 6000 years ago. You can get to that figure by using the various genealogies found in the Bible, but given that those in Genesis are made up of ten or seven names, and it is known that genealogies were often abbreviated by omitting unimportant family members to achieve a desired length (often a multiple of 7, the number of completeness), the accuracy of such calculations is debatable.

So that's my thoughts on the origin of the universe. As I said, I find it weird that I never had an opinion on the subject as a non-believer (although its existence was no less real or relevant to me) but suddenly I’m expected to have a full and detailed knowledge of the matter.

But as I said at the outset, it doesn't really matter. There are probably as many theories on the creation as their are Christians, and that's the great thing about the Christian faith: it's bigger than these things that we can't quite agree on. The Bible is not about the creation of the world, it's about the salvation of the world, and to miss that because of geology or astrophysics - or Biblical literalism gone mad - would be to miss a gift far beyond your imagination.

Bible Musings: the Son of God

Oh dear, should I be doing this? Another Bible study, another awkward question I've been asked a few times: Why do you believe Jesus is the Son of God?

I'm not sure I can put the whole answer to that in one reasonably sized post, but let's make a start anyway; and let's start with the negatives.

Jesus is not the Son of God because of the virgin birth. The Son of God was not conceived at a specific moment within the body of a virgin. Neither did God have sex with Mary in any way we would understand it (look up the definition of 'virgin' sometime). Jesus, the human, was conceived supernaturally to be the vessel for the pre-existing Son of God.Jesus was the son of God before the virgin birth - in fact, before anything:

And now, Father, glorify me in your presence with the glory I had with you before the world began. (John 17:5)

Jesus is not the Son of God because of anything he did or said. He did and said those things because he is the Son of God. And no, he didn't run around Galilee going 'Look at me! I'm the Son of God!' - if he had done something that stupid he would have gotten himself killed.

For this reason the Jews tried all the harder to kill him; not only was he breaking the Sabbath, but he was even calling God his own Father, making himself equal with God. (John 5:18)

So if he didn't say it, why believe it? Well, when my car breaks down (and it does) and I call the RAC, and within an hour a big orange van with the RAC logo all over it pulls up behind me, and a man in RAC overalls gets out, calls me by name, fixes my car, and gets me to sign that bit of RAC headed paperwork that they always give you a copy of but you never know what to do with, I don't need him to say 'I'm the RAC bloke'. A person's actions demonstrate who they are.

What do you mean Jesus didn't have an orange van and a uniform? OK, if you want more, here is why I believe Jesus is the Son of God:

But the angel said to her, Do not be afraid, Mary, you have found favour with God. You will be with child and give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus. He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give him the throne of his father David, and he will reign over the house of Jacob for ever; his kingdom will never end.
How will this be, Mary asked the angel, since I am a virgin?
The angel answered, The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. So the holy one to be born will be called the Son of God. (Luke 1:30-35)

When all the people were being baptised, Jesus was baptised too. And as he was praying, heaven was opened and the Holy Spirit descended on him in bodily form like a dove. And a voice came from heaven: You are my Son, whom I love; with you I am well pleased. (Luke 3:21-22)

A voice came from the cloud, saying, This is my Son, whom I have chosen; listen to him. (Luke 9:35)

The angel Gabriel said he was, and God himself said he was. Twice. Well that's good enough for me anyway.

There are plenty of verses I could point to where Jesus basically does say he is the Son of God without using those words, but it seems rather superfluous to start adding those into the mix.

So, why do I believe Jesus is the Son of God?
Because he said so.
Because the angel Gabriel said so.
Because God said so.
Because he is the way that God relates to us, and we relate to God.
Because somebody needed to take the rap for all the bad stuff I've done.

Because God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

Sex, marriage, purity and being a BarlowGirl

This is a question I ask myself more than other people ask me: why would a reasonably attractive, healthy woman in her 20s suddenly give up sex? It certainly wasn't because I didn't like it!

Neither is it because I believe sex is in some way evil, or sinful in itself. On the contrary, I believe God made sex to be fun, something for us to enjoy.

So, I ask myself, why not enjoy it? Why torture yourself with this born-again virgin stuff?

For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. (Gen 2:24)

'One flesh' is a symbol of the inseparable union God intended for husband and wife, and in the act of sex, it finds its physical expression. I believe God intended sex to be fun for one man, and one woman, within the confines of an inseparable union - marriage.

The same is clearly reiterated throughout the New Testament:

But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. (1Cor 7:2)

Precisely because sex is so much fun, us weak humans are often tempted to abuse it. Marriage is held repeatedly to God's ideal for sex, and the way to avoid that temptation.

But why marriage? You're as committed to Animal now as you will be in 66 days time, why wait for a bit of paper?

Well yes, I am as committed to him now as I ever will be, but I am not his wife. For us, marriage isn't about a bit of paper and a ring, it's about having a big party committing our relationship to God, and receiving his blessing. It's God that will seal the marriage, not a registrar.

But let's not forget that although sex is fun, it makes babies. It seems obvious to me that well-balanced children need the influence of a mother and a father. (I'm not judging single parents here; they're doing a tough job under imperfect circumstances, and the ones I know deserve nothing but respect for how well they do so.) God intended from the outset for us to go forth and multiply, and for children to be brought up within that family setting.

And let's not forget the other potential side-effects of extra-marital sex - after all, a baby is the nicest thing you can catch from having sex.

But what if he's rubbish at it? I'm trusting that we'll be compatible. He's my soulmate, a gift from God in every other way, so why would a loving God (who invented sex to be fun, remember!) leave me wanting in the bedroom? What I am certainly not going to do is take a test drive. We'll learn as we go along.

And what of purity? This may seem weird, but Animal's virginity means a whole lot to me - I wish I had treated my own with as much respect. I think this celibacy thing would be a whole lot harder if we both knew what we were missing, but more importantly, he's willing to share with me something he's never shared with anyone else. How can that not be special?

Final thoughts:

• It breaks my heart that the one thing I treasure most in my fiancé is the one thing I can never give him back.
• Although being a born-again virgin is not easy, it is possible with God's strength. And I have no doubt that it well be worth it in the end.

Bible Musings: The Holy Spirit

I'm not sure if this is something I want to make a habit of, but I'm going to blog a Bible study. But before I do, I should point out that I'm just some chick with a couple of mediocre A-Levels who is doing her best to get to know God. Personally, I don't believe booksmarts is the best way to do that. Christianity is not a religion, it's a relationship, and you can't get that from reading a book. Don't get me wrong: I do love my Bible, but the fact is that I met God before I'd read one word of it for myself. I have since read it all - although most bits only once, which isn't enough, so I won't pretend to have all the answers.

I'm quoting from the New International Version of the Bible because it's widely accepted as accurate and comprehensible, and the one we use for in-depth study at church. I've linked to the whole chapters rather than individual verses because out of context the verses can be misinterpreted, and if anyone is following my train of thought I'd like them to see the bigger picture.

Just to make it even more challenging, a friend was asking me recently what I made of these verses:

But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all truth. He will not speak on his own; he will speak only what he hears, and he will tell you what is yet to come. He will bring glory to me by taking from what is mine and making it known to you. (John 16:13-14)

So. The Holy Spirit then. These verses are just a small part of what Jesus said about the Spirit, who would come to us - Jesus' followers, both those present at the time and those here today - after Jesus returned to the Father. The Spirit is characterised here by truth; elsewhere he (I'll use 'he' because I'm not an ultra-feminist; that's another discussion though) is called the Counsellor, (or Friend, Comforter, etc depending on the translation) essentially referring to his task of bringing people closer to God and His truth.

Jesus goes on to say 'All that belongs to the Father is mine', highlighting the close relationship between Father, Son and Spirit.

The Holy Spirit has clearly been active since the beginning of time:

Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters. (Genesis 1:2)

But he has only been active in a more personal way since Acts chapter 2, which describes the event Jesus speaks of in the verses above, the Holy Spirit coming to be with (to comfort) Christ's early followers. I wish I could explain or describe how the Spirit is with me, but the fact is that God is (and should be, by definition) beyond my understanding or ability to properly explain.

The personal closeness with the Spirit, though, is described by Jesus elsewhere:

And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Counsellor to be with you for ever (John 14:16, emphasis mine)

So the Spirit has always been here, but until after Christ, was not accessible to everyone.

Now, on to the sticky bits....

He will not speak on his own; he will speak only what he hears, and will tell you what is yet to come.

The Spirit will speak what he hears (from either Father or Son, but as we know they are together, it doesn't matter which). Because of the intimate, personal nature of the Spirit's relationship with Christians, he (the Spirit) was able to speak truths directly to individuals. All of this - i.e. most of the New Testament - was 'yet to come' at the time Christ said these words. In John 16:12, Jesus had said that he had much more to tell his disciples, and in the verse above he is reassuring them that through the Spirit, he would tell them the rest later.

And speaking of telling the rest later, I've gone very long already. Serious congratulations if you made it this far! I may pick up on some other points from the original conversation later, but for now that is my reading of the verses in question. Always happy to be educated by more experienced Christians though, so if that's you feel free to comment :)