Wednesday, 27 June 2012

Horrible Histories

So, I bumped into an ex at the weekend. Thankfully it's not like I've got hundreds of them, and certainly not many still in the same area, but meeting this person again kinda threw me. We were only together for one summer a few years ago, but if you'd asked me at the time, I might well have said it was for keeps. Such deep feelings don't go away easily, and I realise now that those feelings are sealed in a very deep and possibly permanent way by sexual intimacy.

Having a history... complicates things. I mean there was the awkward moment when I realised my mother-in-law had assumed I was a virgin, but really that's the least of them. Um, well, I think she got over that...

For me, the worst thing about having a history is this: I think about it.

I don't mean in the sense of comparing Animal to any of my previous lovers; it's a matter of blogosphere record that Animal is the best sex I've ever had, and I stand by that assessment absolutely. But still, the fact is that I have a sexual past, and there are things in that past that I enjoyed, but which I have to leave in the past. And that's hard. Thoughts about someone I cared about hugely and had great sex with, but who is not my husband, are awkward for me. They are hard to dismiss, because they are good thoughts, but to dwell on them would be to fantasise about someone else, and that would be wrong.

So what am I to do with these feelings? Well ultimately, I think, nothing. It's just a temptation, and there is nothing wrong with being tempted. I think rambling about it here is my way of getting it all out, so I can let those temptations go and move on from them.

But at the same time, all experience has a lesson to teach us; and this has been a very real reminder to me that what I've heard so much since moving in Christian circles - that sex brings with it an emotional bond that goes far deeper than the physical act itself - is true. If I search my feelings, I know this to be true; I have given pieces of myself to several people before I met Animal - the ex I met the other day was a recent and local one, which made the whole thing so hard, but it could have been one of a number of people. Which complicates things, but it also saddens me, because I got all of Animal, and will never be able to give him those bits of me that I gave away earlier.

That's one of the reasons I now believe that sex is intended to be shared with one person, for life. Unfortunately I figured that out several people too late, but maybe, just maybe, I'll get the chance to pass that figuring on to someone else before it's too late for them :)

Tuesday, 26 June 2012

What if...

I think my brain just melted.

Monday, 25 June 2012

Musical Monday: Arms of Grace

Just lurrrrve this song that we sang in church yesterday, so I thought I'd share it :) I love the imagery of being welcomed home, the truth that He always takes me back, the look in the drummers eyes when he gets lost in giving his music to God... Ok, maybe that last point was a little of topic, but honetly, I was right there with him, this is one of my favourite worship songs (although I do have an increasing number of 'favourites!')

Tuesday, 19 June 2012


It's M C Escher's Relativity in Star Wars Lego. Seems obvious when you put it like that...

Here's the full story and some top detailed pics!

Monday, 18 June 2012

Musical Monday: Mr Blue Sky

Call me optimistic, but I'm feeling summery. And there's something about Lily Allen - her cheery don't give a fig voice, the cheeky cockney accent that she sings in - that just makes me think 'Sod it, it's summer, throw your cares away and have some fun!'

And in that spirit, here's a summery cover version you might not have come across yet (but should).

Sunday, 17 June 2012

Happy Father's Day

Just a quick shout out to any Dad's who might happen by. You guys rock!

I have to admit I didn't always see eye to eye with my dad, but who does? Looking back now, as an adult with my own set of responsibilities (albeit none of them parental), I can see that he was just an ordinary, imperfect guy doing the best job he knew how. When he screwed up at being a dad, I know he didn't intend to, and that he certainly never would have deliberately hurt me, or my sister.

I think it is fair to say, however, that when I screwed things up - and I did that quite a bit as a teenager and later - he was always there, helping me pick up the pieces, and trying to fix them with superglue and sticky tape in that way dads have.

One way or another, I've also learned a lot about the importance of a good father figure, especially in a girl's life. I'm lucky enough to have had one, and to have found someone who I'm sure will be at least as good a father to my kids some day.

And of course, I'm lucky to have met my heavenly Father, who turned my life around and is busy showing me who I am supposed to be.

Happy Father's Day, Dads of the world!

Wednesday, 13 June 2012

Dressing like a wife

It's not like me to jump on a bandwagon (or even to blog, lately), but when I heard about Kate Moss and her flippant comment about 'dressing like a wife', I thought I'd try and climb on, what with being a new wife and all.

Because, I tried to do that. Just before the wedding I went and looked for the 'Wife' department in Top Shop and Dotty P's, but I couldn't find it. There's not even a Wifeswear department in Debenhams, as far as I could make out.

So what is a girl to do? Is it, Ms Moss, even possible to dress 'like a wife' in this country? Or do we have to be on a supermodel salary and go to those posh Wife Boutiques they have in London Village?

So, of course, I resigned myself to dressing exactly as I had before I got married, much to the consternation of my husband, who wants me to dress like a wife and not a rock chick. Which makes no sense to me, because it was, after all, the rock chick he fell in love with and agreed (indeed, asked) to marry, without explaining the 'dress like a wife' rules in detail. Still, I did promise to love, honour and obey, so I will continue to try and dress in a suitably wifely manner.

In all seriousness though, Kate Moss did make one good point: maybe women (and men) should cover up a little more. I used to be guilty of this myself - the sun would come out, my hemline would go up. It seemed normal. And, yes, partly it was to look good, to look sexy.

I have toned down the way I dress over the last few years, but not because my husband expected me to. And not because, having found a husband, I don't need to look good any more! (Maybe that's what Kate thinks dressing like a wife means - not caring what you look like?)

No, I toned my dress down because I came to realise that dressing to be 'sexy' - showing some leg and/or cleavage, depending where God blessed you - was kind of self-defeating. Yes, those short skirts attracted attention from the opposite sex, but not always the attention I wanted. It is possible to get to a point, with all this skin on show, where you're saying 'look at me!', and beyond that, implying 'come and get me!'. I am a person, not a plaything to be looked at and pawed. It took a while to realise that I could get attention other ways, and really, anyone who was just interested in what I looked like was not likely to give me the right kind of attention - attention which is given respectfully.

So I started to dress in a way that showed I respect myself, but still looked good. Sexy, but not slutty. Yes, it is possible girls!

The other point to note - and this I have learned from my husband - not all guys like having their attention drawn to a pair of legs or breasts that don't belong to their own significant other. I hadn't really thought of that, but by dressing 'sexily' I may be tempting some other husband to look away from his wife. That's not what I want, so I don't intentionally dress to be sexy.

Well, except for my husband ;)