Wednesday 27 June 2012

Horrible Histories

So, I bumped into an ex at the weekend. Thankfully it's not like I've got hundreds of them, and certainly not many still in the same area, but meeting this person again kinda threw me. We were only together for one summer a few years ago, but if you'd asked me at the time, I might well have said it was for keeps. Such deep feelings don't go away easily, and I realise now that those feelings are sealed in a very deep and possibly permanent way by sexual intimacy.

Having a history... complicates things. I mean there was the awkward moment when I realised my mother-in-law had assumed I was a virgin, but really that's the least of them. Um, well, I think she got over that...

For me, the worst thing about having a history is this: I think about it.

I don't mean in the sense of comparing Animal to any of my previous lovers; it's a matter of blogosphere record that Animal is the best sex I've ever had, and I stand by that assessment absolutely. But still, the fact is that I have a sexual past, and there are things in that past that I enjoyed, but which I have to leave in the past. And that's hard. Thoughts about someone I cared about hugely and had great sex with, but who is not my husband, are awkward for me. They are hard to dismiss, because they are good thoughts, but to dwell on them would be to fantasise about someone else, and that would be wrong.

So what am I to do with these feelings? Well ultimately, I think, nothing. It's just a temptation, and there is nothing wrong with being tempted. I think rambling about it here is my way of getting it all out, so I can let those temptations go and move on from them.

But at the same time, all experience has a lesson to teach us; and this has been a very real reminder to me that what I've heard so much since moving in Christian circles - that sex brings with it an emotional bond that goes far deeper than the physical act itself - is true. If I search my feelings, I know this to be true; I have given pieces of myself to several people before I met Animal - the ex I met the other day was a recent and local one, which made the whole thing so hard, but it could have been one of a number of people. Which complicates things, but it also saddens me, because I got all of Animal, and will never be able to give him those bits of me that I gave away earlier.

That's one of the reasons I now believe that sex is intended to be shared with one person, for life. Unfortunately I figured that out several people too late, but maybe, just maybe, I'll get the chance to pass that figuring on to someone else before it's too late for them :)

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